WHAT AM I DOING HERE?! When you want to run away from life.

I snuck into the bathroom to scream silently.  “WHAT AM I DOING HERE?!”  Tears started to form in my eyes and I shoved them back down deep inside.  No, no you will not cry.  Not now and not over this.  So instead, I whispered a broken prayer, “I can’t do this, God.”  And, I couldn’t.  There were people waiting for me on the other side of that bathroom door.  People with questions, and demands, and complaints…  I wasn’t used to this.  AT ALL.

I was the person that avoided drama and ran at the feeling of conflict.  Now, all the people, on the other side of that bathroom door, were presenting me with nothing but conflicts and problems.  That moment, in the bathroom, made me realize something.  One, that I am terribly uncomfortable with angry people.  And two, conflict resolution (with said angry people) makes me want to turn into a turtle and go to my land of sunshine and rainbows.    After all, this place wasn’t me.  And, the people’s actions around me definitely weren’t me, but when something negative came up guess who had to resolve it?  Me.  AHHHH.  The thing is I couldn’t fix everything and everyone.  I was overwhelmed.  It was all too much and I just wanted to do what I normally do.  RUN!  Get out before you get burned.  JUST GO!

But, God.  Day in and day out I still want to run.  I wish I could say that I am graceful and strong in the face of adversity, but WOW am I not.  This smiley person just wants to stay smiley and act like nothing is wrong, but in this place I can’t.  My beat-down-self is showing.  You know…  The version of myself that I normally save, for my inner-circle of people, is showing and I can’t hide it from the world now.  That is out of my comfort zone.  Normally, I can put on a face and smile no matter what the circumstance, but my smile is fleeting and my eyes are telling the whole truth.  I’m not happy.  Not here.  Not now.

The world would tell me to leave and find my happy.  In fact, a year ago or even six months ago I would have said the same thing to myself, but here’s the thing…  In the midst of being uncomfortable and wanting to run away, is a possibility for growth.  Even if this is not where I want to be or where I saw my life ending up, this is a test and a growing moment.  I have learned the hard way that when God sends you a test and you choose to run from it–the test will be waiting for you wherever you end up next too.  So from one mental runner to another, stop running.  Endure the test.  You don’t have to like it, but you need it.  And hey, maybe if I actually stick around it won’t be as bad as I thought?  One minute at a time now…  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Okay.  Let’s do this.

Maybe, I’ll start actually running now (you know the exercise kind haha).


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