There’s a thing that makes me hollow. It has a way of making my soul sulk back into a dark hole and inevitably ends with same set of tormenting questions. What is the reason for life at all? Why would anyone want to live this way? Am I crazy to want something different? Or, even crazier to believe that life can actually be more?
The thing: reality. Do you remember before high school graduation how everyone was so proud and excited for you? They probably said things like, “the sky is the limit for you” or “go for your dreams”. And maybe you believed them or maybe you didn’t, but typically the life outlook vibe was pretty darn optimistic then. Right?
I don’t know about your experience, but the outlook from people and even from myself changed after high school. I began to get little tastes of “actual life”. You know, the life without the shadow of parental protection. Holy guacamole, Batman. I got drenched in real-life problems that first year of college and even though I didn’t know it then, all of those things could have been prevented if I would have made different choices. #growingpains
The start of my problem-life years really tested me, and quite frankly broke me into a million ever-lovin’ pieces. I lost it. ALL OF IT. I lost my way, my hope, a lot of my friends, and myself completely. I was pretty hollow for a long time, but it was a different kind. Much different from the kind I’m experiencing now with this whole reality complex thing.
Thank God, I’m finding my way back to myself again. Slowly, but I’m getting there! Hallelujah! What I’ve come to find is that when I started to feel whole again, I tried to go about life with the same level of enthusiasm that I had at high school graduation. I thought I could just pick up where I fell off, but when I tried it it didn’t feel or work the same.
I was a lot more skeptical of my abilities to succeed. Not only did I have more self-doubt, but a lot of people began to mirror my insecurities by saying things like, “well life just doesn’t work out that way” or “life passions are mean’t to be hobbies anyway”. Ouch man. So, I did what I thought I had to do… I began to live life how “adults” do. I quit doing my passion projects. I got back into the world of monotony of working a regular job. I shunned my dreams and told them to disappear, because they weren’t “reality”.
So here I’ve been… Waking up way too early. Barely having enough time to eat or do anything. Rush to a job that is exactly how it sounds. Work 12 plus hours a day. Complain. Come home. Eat crappy food. Crash on the couch or maybe make it to my bed. Wake up and do it all over again. Living to survive till Friday and dreading Sunday at 5pm, because I know that I have to do it all over again. This “reality” everyone keeps talking about is what makes me hollow.
Why? For what? Why would anyone want to just survive until retirement? A lot of people say, “well security, duh”. So it’s expected that 30 years of our lives are to be miserable for supposed financial security? Even though you know that the new version of “retirement” actually means getting a part-time job until you can’t physically work anymore, because things aren’t how they used to be… Or, going back to my favorite thing people say, “that’s just life”. Ok, well you can take that version life and shove it right up your nasty. My God didn’t put me on this earth to hate life or wait until I’m 80 years old to enjoy it.
I hope my level of anger is getting through these words, because I’m not just angry for me. I’m angry because a crap ton of people spend their whole lives this way. Stuck in the words of what “they” say. Not everyone wakes up from this perpetual reality illness and it kills me. The kind of life that I want to see myself and other people living is the kind that they can’t wait to wake up for. And, that’s exactly the type of life I’m going after.
I don’t care anymore what “they” say. I’m done being kicked down by this stupid, rigid, abso-freaking-lutley ridiculous fog of “reality life” crap. As Michael Scott said, “NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” I’m done with this version of life and I’m going to spend my 2018 creating the life that Jaclyn dreams of. I tried to do it before and yea my butt gave up, but that’s the thing that “they” don’t tell you… Life has no limits of trying new things and you can start over again whenever the hell you want. EFFF you, reality. I’m going back to my crazy dream land. BYE 2017.